Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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