I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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