Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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