1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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