So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
