I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
