i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
