i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
