I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
