I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
