Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
