Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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