I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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