i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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