im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I love you. Go after that dick
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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