Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
