I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
