I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
