My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
