I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
