apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
