Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
