they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize