well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
