she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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