omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
