Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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