You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
