I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize