I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
