Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
