Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
