I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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