After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize