i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
