i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
What drink are we having for lunch?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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