If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
