I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize