just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
