I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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