I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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