I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize