Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
