i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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