im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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