I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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