worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
