we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
