I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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