Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize