ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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