today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
