...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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