That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
