a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
