Cold hands, warm shart.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
