he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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