Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
