I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
