He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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