someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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