I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
