so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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