not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
