Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
