I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
