i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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