I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
