i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
