Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
