I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
