Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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