I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His nipple licking is glorious
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