She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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