I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize